Walking a New Road by Jim Rohn (excerpted from the Take Charge of Your Life 6 CD series)

Here is a good question to ask yourself. Ten years from now you will surely arrive. The question is, where? We don't want to kid ourselves about where; we don't want to kid ourselves about the road we're walking.

At age 25, I had a day shortly after I met Mr. Shoaff called "do not kid myself anymore" day. I didn't want to be disillusioned anymore. Up until then, I had been using the crossed-finger theory. But after meeting Mr. Shoaff, I finally decided that the crossed-finger theory was not going to get me what I wanted. That it wasn't where the treasure lies. That I was going to have to make sure which way I was headed.

Then, with the help of Mr. Shoaff, I found with a few reading disciplines, and a few disciplines of mind, and a few disciplines of activity, that when exercised, can begin making all the difference in the world as to where you will arrive.

Just a few changes. Sometimes we get the idea that we're doing about 10% and there's about 90% more that we need in order to make the difference for our fortune but probably the opposite is true. We're doing enough things to have bought and shared in the good life so far. And maybe all we need is that extra 5% or 10% of intellectual change. Activity change. A refinement of discipline. A refinement of thought. And all we need is the ideas to make those simple changes and the equity starts gathering in one year, three years, five years, ten years.

I have a good comment for you: Now's the time to fix the next 10 years. Now, you may have to come to grips with reality and with truth; that's what was good for me when I met Mr. Shoaff, I was 25 years old, he was 44 years old. And he brought me a wealth of experience and he started asking me the tough questions. "Big question", he said, "Are you reading the books that are going to take you where you want to go in the next 5 years?"

Excellent question. See, you want to make sure. I would assume for all of you, to get to where you want to be in the next 5 years, you are either reading the right books or you're not. You're either engaged in the disciplines or you're not. But, here's what we don't want to engage in: disillusion. Hoping without acting. Wishing without doing.

The key is to take a look and say, "Where am I? What could I do to make the changes to make sure that I can take more certain daily steps toward the treasure I want, the mental treasure, the personal treasure, the spiritual treasure, the financial treasure? I don't want to make any more errors, now's the time to adjust my daily program to take me where I want to go."

In lecturing the last 40+ years, I've gotten letters and personal testimonies of people that have done such remarkable things with just a few suggestions. And that is why seminars, tapes and books can be so valuable. Here's a key idea for us all to remember: We could all use a little coaching. When you're playing the game, it's sometimes hard to see it all.

But the key is to start right now making these changes to walk this new road. And here's what's exciting to me, just a few daily disciplines makes a great deal of difference in one year, three years, five years. And before you know it, you will be walking a brand new road.

Einstein's Formula for Success

Albert Einstein had a formula for success. Can you believe that? One of the greatest minds of all time developed a math formula for success! I suggest you read this carefully -- this may be the most important math equation that you will ever see.

Einstein said, 'If A equals success, then the formula is: A=X+Y+Z.

X is work.
Y is play.
Z is keep your mouth shut."

Einstein no doubt had an excellent sense of humor. Let's look at the 3 variables in this equation. They are:

1. Work
2. Play
3. Keeping your mouth shut!

1. Work: Albert Einstein had a tremendous work ethic and because of that gave more to society and modern science than any person in recent times

2. Play: Einstein, however, did not work 24 hours a day and made time for fun and relaxation. His idea of fun may have been different than yours, but that doesn't mean it still wasn't play.

3. Keeping your mouth shut: Finally, my favorite part of his success formal is to keep your mouth shut. I genuinely believe that the person who talks the least says the most. A friend of mine complains that the woman he is dating talks too much. I don't know how to break the news to him; however, the problem is not that she talks too much. It simply is the fact that he is irritated that he isn't able to talk. Now, let me just say this is not a generic man and woman statement. I am speaking about a specific person that I know. His desire is to constantly talk and because he likes to talk so much, he will talk in circles. If you let him talk long enough he will repeat the same thing three times and then contradict himself. His desire is not to hear but to be heard.

Albert Einstein, on the other hand had nothing to prove. He felt no need to be the "Chatty Cathy" he could have been with his knowledge. It wasn't important to him to talk to everyone he met and talk over their heads to demonstrate his IQ. Instead, he learned the value of quietness and solitude.

Shift your mind set from being a talker to a listener. It has been said that you can make more friends in 5 minutes by becoming interested in others than you can make in 5 years of trying to get others interested in you! How do you become interested in others? You ask questions and then keep your mouth shut!

Dale Carnegie wrote a best selling book entitled 'How to Win Friends and Influence People.' One of the key premises of this book was that everyone's favorite subject is actually themselves and that the sweetest sound to their ears is the sound of their own name. Einstein knew this and realized he could influence others by choosing his spots to speak and validating others by extending them the courtesy of listening.

Ron White, author of Memory in a Month and Write it on Your Heart, wrote a book last year entitled 22 Success Lessons From Baseball. His book was a big success with both baseball fans as well as for those who want to learn and grow in business and in life.

Thinking with Charlie "Tremendous" Jones

• People who know the most, know they know so little, while people who know nothing want to take all day to tell you.

• Self-improvement can be harmful if you are doing it to look better. If you live your life in helping others look better, you'll be better without trying.

• If you give to get something, you're not really giving you are trading. Giving is never to get, because you have it and are not aware of how much you have until you give.

• Big people are always giving someone credit and taking blame; little people are always seeking credit and giving blame.

• Don't worry about having to make a right decision. Make it and then work to make it right.

• An attitude of gratitude flavors everything you do. Learning to be thankful is the golden thread woven through every truly successful life.

From Making a Living to Creating a Lifestyle by Jim Rohn (excerpted from the Day That Turns Your Life Around)

After having struggled for so long, it took a shift in attitude for my family and me when success started to happen. When I started making a little extra money at age 25, Shoaff taught me to also let it serve as a new inspiration for lifestyle. To take my family to dinner after I'd had 2 or 3 pretty good weeks and it looked like it was going to continue. I would say, "Today we get to order from only the left hand side of the menu, we don't have to look at the right hand side". Didn't cost much, just a little extra. But you can't believe the effect on the family, wow, that these are new days.

It's called changing your life as well as changing your skills and earning more money. It's best to invest some of that early money in lifestyle. Go to the movies. Take two vacations instead of one. Just some little extra things that now the family gets inspired by this new commitment to earning more and becoming more and learning more, taking some night classes, whatever you have to do. Now you make it more worthwhile for the family by thinking of lifestyle changes that now become very exciting. Go to the concerts. My parents said don't miss anything. Don't miss the play, the music, the songs, the performances, the movie - whatever is happening.

When I started making some extra money I opened up an account for my wife and I called it the "No Questions Asked Account". I said, "here is the checkbook for a new account and it's called no questions asked". I'll just keep putting money in there and you spend it for whatever you wish. It was life changing. It wasn't a fortune. But she didn't have to ask for money any more. I could sense that it was a little embarrassing at times when she had to ask me for money. I thought, that's not good, so the first time I get a chance, here's what I'm going to do. And sure enough, I did it. The "No Questions Asked Account". You can't believe what that did. It was absolutely amazing.

With that little extra money, work at creating lifestyle. Social friendships, church, community, country. All those things that make a composite of our overall life. Start furnishing that with new vigor, vitality, money, whatever it takes to expand your life into what I call the good life as well as economics.

And it doesn't always take a lot of money. How much is a movie? Even for a person of modest means. $8 or $10? It might cost $60 million to make it and it only costs $8 to see it.

When I discovered those kinds of concepts at age 25 you can imagine it was hard for me to sleep nights that first year. I got so excited about changing everything. And one discipline leads to another. One change leads to another. Feeling good about yourself and starting to make the turn to do something you've never done before, then it starts to work, wow, and then you get excited about changing other areas of your life as well.

Now after you have made your fortune, the money and extravagance might not seem as big a deal. And fortunately you can then create even more powerful opportunities, in particular, opportunities for benevolence, philanthropy and giving.

Now I'm certainly not saying to focus only on external pleasures and rewards. Your relationships, health and spirituality are all of more consequence.

But in the beginning, when the rewards of your hard work begin paying off, make sure and treat yourself and those closest to you to a new world of lifestyle and celebrations.

Dreams are Magic Sparks

"Dreams are the seedlings of realities." - As A Man Thinketh

Look slowly around you. All that you see at this moment was one day but someone's dream - a "seedling of the reality" it was to become. In our lifetime we have benefited greatly from the dreams of so many.

Mandela, Mother Teresa, Einstein, Gandhi, Spielberg, Disney, Gates and the list could go on and on and on -- all began with a dream. Who could forget one of the most powerful speeches of all time by Dr. Martin Luther King, "I Have a Dream". While we haven't become the color-blind society we should be, go back and read the speech and see how far we've come since Dr. King first spoke those "seedlings" into reality.

At the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, Celine Dion performed a song called The Power of the Dream.

"Deep within each heart,
There lies a magic spark,
That lights the fire of our imagination...

Your mind will take you far
The rest is just pure heart,
You'll find your fate is all your own creation."

Sounds a lot like James Allen, doesn't it?

So maybe you don't see yourself as a Mandela or Mother Teresa. But if you haven't already discovered it, deep inside you there is a dream. It was put there by the one who created you, as we are told in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Ralph Marston, whose Daily Motivator has brightened my day for some time now, writes, "On a regular basis, take time to imagine the very best that life can be. Step aside for a moment from the day-to-day concerns of life. Re-establish contact with your highest goals and most treasured dreams. Remind yourself of the beautiful possibilities that life holds for you. Renew your determination to bring them to fruition.

"Spend some quality time with your dreams. They are real to the extent that you value them. To the extent that you commit to them and work for them, they will come true."

The final verse of Celine's song ends with:

"There's so much strength in all of us,
Every woman, child and man,
It's the moment that you think you can't,
You'll discover that you can."

And that's worth thinking about.

Why Accepting Change is Vital to Your Professional Success

Like it or not, change is an integral part of today's business climate. Those employees who embrace and initiate change will thrive, while those who complain and fear change may be headed for the unemployment line.

Employers feel strongly about the need to have employees who are successful change agents for their team and their organization as a whole. What exactly is a "change agent?" An agent is someone who represents the interests of another person or organization, and his or her job is to take care of business and make sure everything goes smoothly. Thus, a change agent helps take care of an employer's business by facilitating change.

Are you a change agent for your organization? Can others count on you to make sure things go smoothly? Do you continue to take care of business in the midst of change?

Although some employees have been conditioned to fear change, we must not lose sight of the fact that change is normal, and most of us will experience unpredictable changes in both our personal and professional lives. In the workplace, changes can occur as a result of new thinking, advances in technology, innovation and progress, knowledge and communication, as well as mergers, takeovers, layoffs, and downsizing. These organizational changes can directly affect our professional lives as well as our personal lives. They may also lead to feelings of sadness, frustration, grief, and anger, especially when jobs are lost or worse, when an entire organization ceases to exist. So let's discuss how we can make this normal life experience-change-as positive and beneficial as possible.
What's Wrong with Change?

Employers want commitment to change when it's necessary. Knowing that, then, why are so many people resistant to it? The number one reason is fear, although very few people are willing to admit it. None of us want to acknowledge that we doubt our ability to integrate new ideas, use new technology, or adapt to new organizations. We don't even want to think about what's ahead: new management, new ways of doing things, new terminology, new titles, and new job description. Fear can have several components:

1. Fear of the unknown: What will happen to my organization, my job, my life, as I know it now? How secure is my future?

2. Fear of not being in control: What should I do? Should I just wait around while they make decisions that could seriously affect my life?

3. Fear of being inadequate: I know how to do this job now, but will I be able to do it as well as they expect me to when everything has changed? And if I can't, what happens then?

4. Fear of moving outside your personal comfort zone: I've been doing my job this way for years, and I'm very good at it. Why do we have to change what has worked so well for so long?

No matter which category your fear falls in, one thing is for sure. The more we fight and resist the change, the more painful and frightening the changes will be. Resisting doesn't keep a new idea from taking hold; it simply makes the process longer and more painful. Change will happen no matter what. We will handle it better when we learn to move with the change-not against it. Plus, this is definitely not the time to drag your feet because managers are not inclined to take employees by the hand and lead them through the change process.

Communication is Key:
There is no doubt that employees often view change from a different perspective than their supervisors. Many employees believe that management doesn't understand their side of the story, and managers often feel it is the employees who don't understand why the change is necessary. This is why communication is so vital during any change circumstance.

It's been said that lack of communication is the number one reason why personal relationships can develop problems, and the same holds true for relationships between employers and employees. Change will require open communication on both sides. Unfortunately, fear has the power to freeze employees in their tracks and prevent them from expressing their ideas and opinions.

When faced with change we must always ask ourselves this important question: Does my resistance to change have anything to do with my own fears? That's a tough question and one that's not easy to answer honestly. It's natural to fear the unknown and lack of control. We know that we won't be quite as proficient at our tasks while we're in the process of learning to do things a new way. We know we will have to work a lot harder. Are we willing to let go of the present to embrace the future? We may not know what the future will bring, but we are responsible for what we bring to the future.

The Positive Side of Change:
If you routinely describe your current job as boring, mundane, or menial, then perhaps a change is good for you. One of the most positive aspects of change is that it is never boring. On the contrary, it can create passion. And passion-and the excitement, creativity, and energy that accompany it-is the spark that keeps us going.

Passion could be called the charge for our life's batteries. Without that charge, it's hard to get our engines revved up. That igniting charge is sparked by the challenge of change-learning new things, meeting new people, growing as professionals, and taking risks that push us to reach our potential. None of that can happen unless and until we are willing to experience the fear that inevitably arises when we move out of our comfort zones. No growth, no fear; no fear, no passion; no passion, no fun.

If we want passion back in our lives, we must be willing to meet the challenge of change. What might that mean for you? Perhaps it might involve going back to school, learning how to work with a computer, working with a team, taking on new responsibilities, or redefining a career path. If you want to remain employable, you may have to change more than just your attitude and your reaction to change. You may have to change some of your ideas and goals to create a better future for yourself.

Embrace Upcoming Changes:
Many people are content to live their lives by playing it safe. If fear, pain, and hard work are prerequisites of change, it's easier to understand why some people are so dedicated to resisting it. They might be good at giving all the best-sounding reasons why this particular change is not right for the department, the organization, the team, or the customer. However, their underlying concern may be their fear about how the change will affect them-their job-their lives.

If you've been reacting negatively to change, it's important to modify your attitude and your behavior before it's too late. Think about what you really want. Comfort at all costs? The status quo? The good old days? If those are the aspects you desire-if that's what you're waiting for-then you will probably soon be out of a job. If, instead, you want challenge and welcome change, you will always be employable.

Think with me

• People who know the most, know they know so little, while people who know nothing want to take all day to tell you.

• Self-improvement can be harmful if you are doing it to look better. If you live your life in helping others look better, you'll be better without trying.

• If you give to get something, you're not really giving you are trading. Giving is never to get, because you have it and are not aware of how much you have until you give.

• Big people are always giving someone credit and taking blame; little people are always seeking credit and giving blame.

• Don't worry about having to make a right decision. Make it and then work to make it right.

• An attitude of gratitude flavors everything you do. Learning to be thankful is the golden thread woven through every truly successful life.

These Three Words are Almost Interchangeable

"Creative," "flexible," "imaginative" - these three words are almost interchangeable. If you are creative, you can think of alternative ways to work around problems, ways that align with your own skills and reflect your values. If you are flexible, you are able and willing to change and modify plans; you adjust to new circumstances and needs. If you are imaginative, you envision what is not and what can be - you see in your mind what you haven't yet seen in the material world.

All three words refer to your willingness to experiment with new approaches and fresh solutions. When you have these qualities, you will bend and not break when challenges arise.

When a great wind blows, that which is rigid will snap
and break. That which is flexible will bend. When the
wind dies down and calm returns, the flexible will rise
again.

We see almost limitless creativity in inventors. We have all read or heard the stories of people like the Wright brothers, Eli Whitney, Thomas Edison, and Henry Ford.

These people triumphed by using imagination and flexibility. They experimented with new materials and techniques that often seemed unrealistic or preposterous at the time. For years, they suffered failure after failure, but they never felt regret. Each time they simply abandoned what did not work, revised their theories, and continued to look for what would work.

They were flexible and humble enough to learn from other people's ideas and experiments and to adapt them to their own projects.

Choose to be unstoppable!

Win-Win Decisions

College basketball fans turn their attention each spring to March Madness, otherwise known as the NCAA Tournament. It's a hoop-junkie's dream come true - four weeks of "win-or-go-home" basketball featuring the best teams in the land. But what if they didn't keep score? What if they just played for fun? It doesn't work that way in athletics, and it seldom works that way in the professional world. We set goals, we measure results and, ultimately, we win or go home depending upon how well we do against the competition. So when we're making key decisions as leaders, it can seem counter-intuitive to filter outcomes with the question that I'm going to recommend: Is this mutually beneficial? I love competition, but every deal shouldn't end with an "I won, you lost" outcome. In fact, I'm convinced that it's possible - and profitable - to consistently make mutually beneficial decisions with the people and organizations that work with and around us. Here's why it's worth the effort:

1. It adds value to others.
This is a personal value of mine and a value of the organizations that I lead. It requires that we start every day and every discussion and every decision-making process with objective of helping others improve. All too often, people go into a meeting or a negotiation asking, "What can I get from them? What's in it for me? How can I sneak something by them?" Wouldn't it be terrible to spend day after day driven by the tactics of manipulation? When you're done, you can say, "I won and you lost." But then what? You go back to life. You've got to go back to why we're here. And we are our brothers' keepers. That's what we're here to do. And to lighten someone else's load is a very noble cause.

2. It compounds influence, effectiveness and results.
When you come to the table with the attitude of helping and serving others, you immediately compound the influence, effectiveness and results of everyone involved, whether it's two people, a group of people or multiple organizations.
We experienced this not long ago when working with the Christian Broadcasting Network. I was representing EQUIP, our non-profit ministry, at a meeting with the leaders of CBN. Because we went into the meetings looking to make mutually beneficial decisions and not just bottom line issues like funding, we discovered ways to make each other better. They needed training for their leaders, which I unconditionally agreed to provide. And their equipment, technology and experience will help us lower production costs for things like DVD's that we use for the ministry.

3. It strengthens relationships.
You've probably heard the expression; "It's lonely at the top." Well, I want to go to the top, but I have no desire to go alone. If you're alone at the top, you're probably not a leader, anyway. Who are you leading other than yourself? Leaders take people on the journey with them. They help take others to the top. Relationships are important, and mutually beneficial decisions strengthen relationships. When you have the heart and desire to add value to people and you long as a leader to pour into other people's lives first, then you begin to add value to them and you begin to lift them to a higher level. The benefits are compounded and relationships are strengthened. When that happens, the score really doesn't matter.
Everybody wins.

Vitamins for the Mind

Truth
Very few of us are authorities on the truth. About the closest that any of us can get is what we hope is the truth or what we think is the truth. That's why the best approach to truth is probably to say, "It seems to me..."

There is nothing wrong with affirmations, provided what you are affirming is the truth. If you are broke, for example, the best thing to affirm is, "I'm broke!"

If the truth isn't enough, then you must become stronger at presenting it.
Sincerity is not a test of truth. We must not make this mistake: He must be right; he's so sincere.

Because, it is possible to be sincerely wrong. We can only judge truth by truth and sincerity by sincerity.

Find someone who is willing to share the truth with you.

The Subtlety of Language

I have found that sometimes the subtle difference in our attitude, which of course can make a major difference in our future, can be as simple as the language we use. The difference in even how you talk to yourself or others. Consciously making a decision to quit saying what you don't want and to start saying what you do want. I call that faith. Believing the best, hoping for the best and moving toward the best.

A few examples could be, instead of saying "What if somebody doesn't respond" you start saying, "What if they do respond?" Instead of saying "What if someone says no?" You say, "What if they say yes?" Instead of "What if they start and quit?" say, "What if they start and stay?" or "What if it doesn't work out?" You say, "What if it does work out?" and the list goes on and on.
I found that when you start thinking and saying what you really want then your mind automatically shifts and pulls you in that direction. And sometimes it can be that simple, just a little twist in vocabulary that illustrates your attitude and philosophy.

Our language can also affect how others perform and behave around us. A teenager says to a parent, "I need $10." And if the parents learn to say, "No comprehende. That kind of language doesn't work here. We've got plenty of money, but that's not how you get $10." Then you teach your teenager how to ask, "How can I earn $10?"

That is the magic of words. There is plenty of money here. There is money for everybody, but you just have to learn the magic words to get them. For everything you could possibly want. If you just learn the philosophy. How could I earn $10? Because you can't go to the soil and say, "Give me a harvest." You know the soil smiles and says, "Who is this clown that brings me his need and brings me no seed." And if you said to the soil, "I've got this seed and if I planted it, would you work while I sleep?" And the soil says, "No problem. Give me the seed. Go to sleep and I'll be working while you're sleeping."

If you just understand these simple principles, teaching them to a teenager (or adult) is sometimes just a matter of language. It's like an investment account instead of a savings account. Simple language, but so important. It is easy to stumble through almost a lifetime and not learn some of these simplicities. Then you have to put up with all the lack and all the challenges that don't work out simply from not reading the book, not listening to the tape, not sitting in the class, not studying your language and not being willing to search so you can then find.

But here is the great news. You can start this process anytime. For me it was at age 25. At 25 I'm broke. Six years later I'm a millionaire. Somebody says, "What kind of revolution, what kind of change, what kind of thinking, what kind of magic had to happen? Was it you?" And I say, "No. Any person, any six years, 36 to 42, 50 to 56. Whatever six years; whatever few years you go on an intensive, accelerated personal development curve, learning curve, application curve, and learning the disciplines.

Now, it might not take the same amount of time, but I'm telling you the same changes and the same rewards in some different fashion are available for those who pay that six year price. And you might find that whether it's in the beginning to help get you started, or in the middle to keep you on track, that your language can have a great impact on your attitude, actions and results.

The Great Leadership Challenge

If you want to be a leader who attracts quality people, the key is to become a person of quality yourself. Leadership is the ability to attract someone to the gifts, skills, and opportunities you offer as an owner, as a manager, as a parent. What's important in leadership is refining your skills. All great leaders keep working on themselves until they become effective. Here are some specifics:

Learn to be strong but not impolite. It is an extra step you must take to become a powerful, capable leader with a wide range of reach. Some people mistake rudeness for strength. It's not even a good substitute.

Next, learn to be kind but not weak. We must not mistake weakness for kindness. Kindness isn't weak. Kindness is a certain type of strength. We must be kind enough to tell someone the truth. We must be kind enough and considerate enough to lay it on the line. We must be kind enough to tell it like it is and not deal in delusion.

Next, learn to be bold but not a bully. It takes boldness to win the day. To build your influence, you've got to walk in front of your group. You've got to be willing to take the first arrow, tackle the first problem, discover the first sign of trouble. Like the farmer, if you want any rewards at harvest time, you have got to be bold and face the weeds and the rain and the bugs straight on. You've got to seize the moment.

Here's the next step. You've got to learn to be humble but not timid. You can't get to the high life by being timid. Some people mistake timidity for humility. But humility is a virtue; timidity is a disease. It's an affliction. It can be cured, but it is a problem.

Humility is almost a God-like word. A sense of awe. A sense of wonder. An awareness of the human soul and spirit. An understanding that there is something unique about the human drama versus the rest of life. Humility is a grasp of the distance between us and the stars, yet having the feeling that we're part of the stars.

Here's a good tip: Learn to be proud but not arrogant. It takes pride to build your ambitions. It takes pride in your community. It takes pride in a cause, in accomplishment. But the key to becoming a good leader is to be proud without being arrogant.

Do you know the worst kind of arrogance? Arrogance from ignorance. It's intolerable. If someone is smart and arrogant, we can tolerate that. But if someone is ignorant and arrogant, that's just too much to take.

The next step is learning to develop humor without folly. In leadership, we learn that it's okay to be witty but not silly; fun but not foolish.
Next, deal in realities. Deal in truth. Save yourself the agony of delusion. Just accept life as it is. Life is unique. The whole drama of life is unique. It's fascinating.

Life is unique. Leadership is unique. The skills that work well for one leader may not work at all for another. However, the fundamental skills of leadership can be adopted to work well for just about everyone: at work, in the community, and at home.

Curing the Resentment Flu - Learning to Let Go...

When we love someone, we don't want to let them down. We try very hard to be the person and do the things that will make them happy. At some point, we become more relaxed in the company of our beloved. Maybe too relaxed for our own good. When a woman is happy in a relationship she typically begins to give and do more, believing that her partner will reciprocate. When he unknowingly doesn't live up to her expectations, resentment begins to build.
She doesn't want to rock the boat, so she remains quiet - for now...
What is the Resentment Flu?

Resentment is caused when we feel like we are giving more than we are getting. It starts when our partner somehow, and quite possibly by accident, does or says something that we take personally. We begin to imagine that our partner doesn't care. It goes unresolved and burrows and festers. It can even cause us to become physically ill.
Resentment is caused when we feel like we are giving more than we are getting. How do we cure these feelings and return to our relationship with the loving, caring feelings we know are there?

The solution for women is to:
Take responsibility for giving more and getting less. Remember the best way to even the score is to gracefully give less. Treat yourself as if you have the flu and take a break from giving so much. Just like when you don't feel well, slow down and take care of yourself physically. Pamper yourself. Allow yourself to be pampered and give yourself some alone time, just for you. Practice receiving. Allow your partner to take care of you for a while. When a man catches the resentment flu, he typically feels unappreciated and pulls away his support. It is important for him to remember that when his partner has the resentment flu, it is harder for her to show her support and appreciation for him. It is crucial at this time for a man to do the little things he was doing in the beginning of their relationship which made her feel loved.

The solution for men is to:
Understand her need to receive for a while before she can give again. Just like a gas tank, a woman's love tank needs regular refilling. When she is empty, it is hard for her to keep giving. Show his love and affection for her in loving, little ways. Redirect the energy and attention you are already giving in more romantic, less practical ways. Take responsibility for contributing to her getting the resentment flu by forgetting to do the little things. Acknowledge and allow her to have her upset feelings. Reassure her that you will be more considerate.

It is very easy to get caught up in the business of our day. We sometimes forget to stop and appreciate our partner and remember how they enrich our lives. Loving our partner without resentment is a gift we give to ourselves and each other.

Your Dream Begins Today

What will your life be like when you've achieved your most deeply held dreams? Let's take a look at how you can start living your dreams this very day.
Do you have a dream, a vision of the life you wish to live? How specific is that dream? How clear is that vision? How do you intend to reach it? What obstacles stand in your way? Are your fears holding you back or are you using them to move you forward?

Your fears can actually lead you to success. Fear is an intense emotion. But that doesn't mean it has to control you, or even stop you. Fear can prepare you and push you forward just as strongly as it can hold you back. Fear heightens your awareness and increases your physical strength. Fear brings your mind to sharp focus. With all that going for you, does it make sense to just run and hide? Of course not. Fear gets you in shape to take action!

Are you waiting for things to get better before moving ahead? If you're serious about success; you need to start taking action today. If you're waiting for things to be perfect, you'll wait forever and nothing will ever get done. The way to achieve is to bloom where you're planted, to do what you can, where you are, with what you have. It's easy to think up excuses for not taking action. "If only I had more hours in the day.

If only I had a better job. If only I could meet the right person." But excuses won't bring you anything of value. You've got to change your "if only" into an "I will." "I will make better use of my time. I will work on improving my career. I will create and nurture my relationships." Take a chance. Have faith in yourself. Your circumstances will improve when you make the effort to improve them. Start where you are right now.

You have everything it takes to reach for whatever you desire. Stop wishing. Use your time, your energy, your thoughts and efforts to make it happen! You'll be glad you did!

Be a Person Who Practices Non-Situational Integrity

Integrity, a standard of personal morality and ethics, is not relative to the situation you happen to find yourself in and doesn't sell out to expediency. Its short supply is getting even shorter, but without it, leadership is a façade. Learning to see through exteriors is a critical development in the transition from adolescence to adulthood. Sadly, most people continue to be taken in by big talk and media popularity, flashy or bizarre looks, and expensive possessions.

They move through most of their years convinced that the externals are what count, and are thus doomed to live shallow lives. Men and women who rely on their looks or status to feel good about themselves inevitably do everything they can to enhance the impression they make – and do correspondingly little to develop their inner value and personal growth. The paradox is that the people who try hardest to impress are often the least impressive. Puffing to appear powerful is an attempt to hide insecurity.

In the Roman Empires' final corrupt years, status was conveyed by the number of carved statues of the gods displayed in people's courtyards. As in every business, the Roman statue industry had good and bad sculptors and merchants. As the empire became ever more greedy and narcissistic, the bad got away with as much as they could. Sculptors became adept at using wax to hide cracks and chips in marble and most people couldn't discern the difference in quality.
Statues began to weep or melt under the scrutiny of sunlight or heat in foyers.

For statues of authentic fine quality, carved by reputable artists, people had to go to the artisan marketplace in the Roman Quad and look for booths with signs declaring sine cera, which translates in English to mean, without wax. We, too, look for the real thing in friends, products, and services. In people, we value sincerity, from the words, sine cera, more than almost any other virtue. We expect it from our leaders, which we are not getting in our political, media, business and sports' heroes for the most part. We must demand it of ourselves.

Integrity that strengthens an inner value system is the real human bottom line. Commitment to a life of integrity in every situation demonstrates that your word is more valuable than a surety bond. It means you don't base your decisions on being politically correct. You do what's right, not fashionable. You know that truth is absolute, not a device for manipulating others. And you win in the long run, when the stakes are highest. If I were writing a single commandment for leadership it would be, "You shall conduct yourself in such a manner as to set an example worthy of imitation by your children and subordinates."

In simpler terms, if they shouldn't be doing it, neither should you. I told my kids, "clean up your room," and they inspected the condition of my garage. I told them that honesty was our family's greatest virtue, and they commented on the radar detector I had installed in my car. When I told them about the vices of drinking and wild parties, they watched from the upstairs balcony, the way our guests behaved at our adult functions.

It's too bad some of our political and business leaders don't understand that "What you are speaks so loudly that no one really pays attention to what you say." But it is even more true that if what you are matches what you say, your life will speak forcefully indeed.
It's hardly a secret that learning ethical standards begins at home. A child's first inklings of a sense of right and wrong come from almost imperceptible signals received long before he or she reaches the age of rational thought about morality. Maybe you're asking yourself what kind of model you are for future generations, remembering that people are either honest or dishonest, that integrity is all or nothing, and that children can't be fooled in such basic matters. They learn by example.

To remind myself of my responsibility to live without wax, with sincerity and integrity, I took the liberty of re-writing Edgar A. Guest's poem, "Sermons We See" to apply to setting an example as a real winner for my children and grandchildren.
I'd rather watch a winner, than hear one any day. I'd rather have one walk with me, than merely show the way. The eye's a better pupil and more willing than the ear. Fine counsel is confusing, but example's always clear. And the best of all the coaches are the ones who live their deeds. For to see the truth in action is what everybody needs.

I can soon learn how to do it, if you'll let me see it done. I can watch your hands in action, but your tongue too fast may run. And the lectures you deliver may be very wise and true. But, I'd rather get my lessons by observing what you do. For I may misunderstand you and the high advice you give. But there's no misunderstanding how you act and how you live. I'd rather watch a winner, than hear one any day.

Hey, politician, business leader, motion picture producer, television actor, rock star, sports star. Hey mom, hey dad. Don't tell me how to live. Show me by your actions. You're my role models.

Action Idea: When you talk to others, beginning right now, don't try to impress them by talking about your accomplishments. Let your actions speak for you. Ask more questions.

Just Put Me On the Air

It was May 2000 and I was in the seminar business and discouraged. His name was Mr. Palmer and he was a 75 year old wealthy real estate mogul and my mentor. "Mr. Palmer, I am so down. I have made so many mistakes and my business is in pieces."

"Ron, I make mistakes everyday... because I Do Something everyday."
I looked up from my drink and saw Mr. Palmer smiling. He then asked, "Do you follow me?"
I did. Loud and clear. He was saying, "Who cares if you made some mistakes. Mistakes only signify action and that is much better than inaction."

It was barely 12 months later and I knew I could break a memory record listed in the Guinness Book of World Records. It was set by a man who memorized 27 numbers in 1 minute and 21 seconds. I knew I could beat that. Although, I never had. I persuaded FOX television to let me attempt it on live television.

My best friend Brian helped me practice all week. He would call out 28 random numbers and at the same time he held a stopwatch and clocked me. It was very frustrating. Not once did I get it right.
Brian asked me, "You do realize you are going on FOX this week and you have never gotten this right. Are you sure you want to do this? It is live TV."

"I will get it right when it counts." I said, nervously hoping I was right.
The day before the show aired the FOX producers had me come to the studio to practice and I didn't get it right then either. The producers looked at me and said, "You don't have to go on tomorrow, if this is something you can't do."

My response without hesitation was, "Just put me on the air." She sighed and shook her head as if I was about to bring down the entire FOX network if I failed. What the producers didn't understand is that I now lived my life by the Mr. Palmer philosophy and that philosophy says, "Who Cares!"

March 1, 2001 the FOX host read out 28 digits and I nailed it with 6 seconds to spare! I had never gotten it right, however when it was clutch I nailed it! In baseball terms it was the bottom of the ninth, the bases were loaded, down by three runs with two strikes and I knocked it out of the park. The amazing thing is that I had never done it before!

My friends, family, neighbors and the bank teller all high-fived me that day. Eight years later, I still get speaking engagements because of that 1 minute and 15 seconds of my life.
If I had given into inaction and fear, I wouldn't have much of the income that I do today. And if I had failed, according to Mr. Palmer... "Who Cares!!"

This "Who Cares!!" philosophy that I learned from Mr. Palmer, not only causes me to risk in my life. It also makes me a fun speaker. I am not on the platform wondering what everyone thinks. I am having a Blast and it comes through. And you know what? People buy into what I am saying because they can tell it is really me and not a phony persona. However, they only see that because I believe in the "Who Cares!!" philosophy of Mr. Palmer.

I encourage you to live your life by the "Who Cares!!" philosophy and be willing to make a fool out of yourself (even if it means being on live television in front of the world). If you are willing to do that... I can guarantee you massive success even if you fail in your initial goal.

Lost, Stolen or Strayed

Transcript of Black History Month keynote lecture delivered by Philip Emeagwali. Part 1 was delivered at Arizona State University West, Phoenix, on February 17, 2003. Part 2 will be delivered in February 2004. The third lecture entitled "To Be Young, Gifted and Black" will also be available in 2004 BHM.

Thank you for the pleasant introduction.When I was ten years old, living in Africa, my father posed the following question to me:"The story or the warrior, which is mightier?""The warrior!" I replied."My father shook his head in disagreement."The story. The story is mightier than the warrior," he said to me."How can that be?" I asked him."The story lives on long after the warrior has died," he explained.This month is Black History Month.

We celebrate it by telling stories of the contributions of black Americans to America.Also, today is President's Day. We celebrate it by telling stories of the contributions of American presidents to America.We tell stories about Thomas Jefferson, the third president of the United States. We tell how Jefferson coined the phrase "All men are created equal." A phrase written in the Declaration of Independence.Jefferson wrote, "All men are created equal." But he meant, "All white men are created equal."Jefferson did not believe that white women are equal to white men. He did not believe that black men are equal to white men.

Not much has changed two centuries later. As they say, the more things change, the more they remain the same.In his one and only published book, called "Notes on Virginia," Jefferson explained why white men are intellectually superior to black men. Jefferson wrote that it would be impossible for a black person to understand the mathematical formula in Euclid's famous book called "The Elements."Jefferson wrote in his book "Notes on Virginia" that Africans are intellectually inferior and cannot understand mathematics.Euclid wrote his book, called the "The Elements," 2,300 years ago. It is the second most reprinted book in history. It is second only to the Bible. And Euclid is, perhaps, the world's greatest mathematician of all time.To the ancients, Euclid's Elements was a notoriously difficult textbook.

The story is told about a discouraged student that asked Euclid:"What shall I profit by learning these difficult things?"Euclid, visibly angered, said to his assistant:"Give this boy a penny, since he must make a profit out of what he learns."Because The Elements was notoriously difficult to understand, Jefferson wrote that it would be difficult for a black person to understand the work of Euclid.He believed that only people of European ancestry could understand the subject of Geometry.As an African mathematician, I studied and understood geometry. There was nothing in my experience that could lead me to believe that whites have greater mathematical aptitude than people of other races. Yet, that stereotype persists among white mathematicians.While researching the origins of the Euclid's work, I was surprised when I learned that Euclid never even traveled outside Africa."How could Euclid be Greek, if he was born, raised and educated in Africa?" I asked.It occurred to me that Euclid, the greatest mathematician of all time, was neither Greek nor white. It occurred to me that he was probably black and full-blooded Negro.I found the best explanation in a book on "History of Mathematics."

The author explained that ancient Egypt was not in Africa. "Egypt was part of Greece," he added.I was curious about how Euclid looked in person. As I probed further, I discovered a widely circulating photo of Euclid. It was the photo of white male that seems to be 90 years old.I asked: "Is this a true portrait of Euclid?"Upon reflection, I realized that it was a fictitious portrait. It was drawn 2,000 years after Euclid died.Euclid died 2,300 years ago in Africa.

And we do not have any true portrait of any person that lived before Jesus Christ. We do not have any true portrait of any person that lived even 500 years.I later learned that many Greek scientists of ancient times were born, raised and educated in Africa. And I still wonder if those Greek scientists were actually black Africans.This false portrait of Euclid as a white male reinforced Jefferson's views that mathematics could only be comprehended by whites. Since there is no proof that Euclid ever travelled outside Africa it makes sense to assume that he is full-blooded Negro.Our history books are full of erroneous statements.Black History Month is a period for us to re-examine the erroneous statements in our history books.A period for us to challenge these erroneous statements in our history books.A period for us to teach our children the truth. Teach them that Euclid was not Greek.

That he was not white. That was born, raised, educated and worked in Africa. That he is African.A period for us to acknowledge that science is the gift of ancient Africa to our modern world.If Euclid never traveled outside Africa, we should assume that he is African. Which raises the profound question:If Euclid is African, then Thomas Jefferson must be wrong when he argued that an African couldn't understand the work of Euclid?Euclid was the warrior and Thomas Jefferson was the storyteller.As my father taught me, the story is mightier than the warrior.The story lives on long after the warrior has died.

Thomas Jefferson's belief that an African cannot understand the subject of geometry lives on 200 years after Jefferson has died. It lives on in the belief that whites make better mathematicians than blacks. It lives on among historians of science who are reluctant to acknowledge the contributions of Africans to mathematical knowledge.When I was young, I believed that the warrior is mightier than the story. I did not understand that the pen is mightier than the sword.As a young man, I believed history is about the truth.As an older man, I learned that history is both truth and illusion.I learned that the value of my scientific discovery is in the perception of those evaluating it.I learned that the black student considers me to be his role model.I learned that the up and coming white scientist is reluctant to accept me as his role model.I learned that the established white scientist considers me to be an anomaly. Considers me to be a "freak of nature."

Considers me to be the anti-Christ. Considers me to be a scientific vampire that sucks on the white race. Visualizes me as a monster with couple of horns on his head.I learned that what I am is not as important as what I am to you.I learned that when you ask me: "Who Are You?" that you really meant "Who Am I?"I learned that you are searching for yourself in me.Twelve years ago, a magazine hired a white man to prepare an illustration of a supercomputer wizard riding an ox. I was supposed to be the supercomputer wizard. But the white illustrator, who knew that I am black, portrayed me as a white person in his published illustration.I learned that the white illustrator was searching for himself in me.Five hundred years ago, Leonardo da Vinci was commissioned to paint his masterpiece "The Lord's Supper." Before the Renaissance period, many paintings of the Madonna depicted a black woman. The infant God or Christ-child was depicted as black. But Leonardo da Vinci was searching for himself in Jesus Christ. He re-depicted Jesus Christ as white.

The Bible did not tell us what Jesus looked like. But we know that he lived in the Middle East or an eastern extension of Africa. We know that the Hebrews sojourned into Egypt and Africa. We know that Moses had a Cushite (Ethiopian) wife. When we put the facts together, we know that Jesus likely looked like a dark-skinned Palestinian, Yemenite or Egyptian.Michelangelo used his family to pose for Jesus Christ. Michelangelo was searching for himself in Jesus Christ.

During the Renaissance, the mother of Christ became a white woman.I learned that King James wrote the Bible the way he believed it was supposed to be written.I was trained by white mathematicians. I read books about History of Mathematics written by white authors. I learned in schools controlled and dominated by Eurocentric thoughts.Considering where I came from, it was heresy to suggest that Euclid was African. Psychologist named this phenomenon "cognitive dissonance." I call it "The Fear of the Truth."

We are afraid of the truth that the real Jesus Christ is dark-skinned. We are afraid of the truth that the real Euclid was an African and a full-blooded Negro.I learned that Euclid was portrayed as a European to instill a sense of pride in white students. To embed a feeling of intellectual supremacy into their collective subconscious. I learned that European mathematicians were searching for themselves in Euclid.I learned that Africans are the pioneers in many other fields of study.

I learned that the modern chemist is not aware that the word "chemistry" meant "black man's science."I learned that the word chemistry was derived from the word "Kemet." And that Kemet is the ancient name for the land we now call Egypt. And that Kemet translates as "land of the blacks." And that "chemistry" means "black man's science."Yet the story of black people's contribution to the science of chemistry is not included in chemistry textbooks.

As my father taught me, the story is greater than the warrior.We Africans have to tell our story. We underestimate the power of the story."What happened to the black people of Kemet," the traveler asked the old man."For legend had it that the people of Kemet were black? What happened?""Ah," wailed the old man, "they lost their history and they died."Isaac Asimov is the author of more than 500 books.

One of his books called "Biographical Encyclopedia of Science," is standard reference in many libraries.Isaac Asimov, the most prolific science writer, acknowledges that mathematics, science and technology are the gift of ancient Africans to our modern world.

IS MONEY EVERYTHING?

Money will buy me a house, but not a home, a bed, but not a good night's sleep.- Zig Ziglar

Is Money Everything? This was the title of my speech at a seminar in Central London organised by Find Your Voice. Many professional speakers from all walks of life attended and delivered messages that motivated and empowered people to take control of their lives. I was one of the four speakers and the theme was: “Money Makes the World Go Round.” I would like to share the views I expressed at the seminar with you.

One of the problems with literature about success is that most of the time the word ‘success’ is usually interpreted as material success or power. This usually includes the amount of money a person earns or has; the type of car they drive and the size and location of their house. However, we need to remind ourselves that true success isn’t just Hollywood’s definition of it!Success is a journey and not a destination.

The mistake most people make is aligning money with success. Money is only a medium of exchange and can never be measured side-by-side with success. I believe that success can be divided into eight categories; these are: spiritual, health, family, career & business, financial, self-development/intellectual, personal needs, and community.

It is therefore worth noting that true success is not just when you are financially rich, rather it is when you are rich in all of the eight categories.Money can buy you material possessions, but it cannot buy you happiness and peace of mind. Money is used in exchange for other things, but this paper money we spend (e.g. Pounds, Naira, Dollars, etc) is not the only money we should have.

There are hidden 'monies' in all of us; the only problem is discovering we have such 'monies' within us.Let us consider this; if one is only financially wealthy and lacks the intellect to make other riches, or is unsuccessful in their family life and health, then the person is as good as being poor. Let us not be overly carried away by this mere medium of exchange – money – and fail to consider other aspects of life.

I once knew a rich man, who, in spite of his wealth, is deficient in his health. He died despite the great financial wealth he had accumulated. Would you say such a man was wealthy? No. Why? Because he was only monetarily wealthy – this appeared to be at the expense of his health.

I was at the mansion of one of my mentors, Richie Dayo Johnson, in Netherne-On- the-Hill, Surrey and as we sat down in his study that Sunday evening I asked: “ DJ (as I fondly call him) tell me what money can and can not buy. He replied, “Dayo, money can buy you a house, but it can't buy you a home. Money can buy you insurance, but it can't buy you security. Money can buy you entertainment, but it can't buy you happiness. Money can buy you medicine, but it can't buy you good health. Money can buy you a bed, but it can't buy you sleep. Money can buy you companionship, but it can't buy you friendship. Money can buy you sex, but it can't buy you love. Money is called currency, because it is designed to flow through you. Money doesn't change you; it only reveals who you truly are.”I totally agree with Richie Dayo Johnson.

In addition to this, I believe that money can buy you many women but it cannot buy you a good wife. It can buy you a good book, but it cannot buy you wisdom and knowledge. It can sponsor you through school, but it cannot buy you intellect. However, the things money can buy are temporal but the things money cannot buy are, most times, everlasting. Who are you when you have money and who are you when you don’t have?

The bottom line is that money does not change you; it merely uncovers you. Why don’t you take time to reflect on those things money cannot buy; you may be surprised to realise that money is actually not everything?Is your spiritual life in order? Are you enjoying good health? Are you in control of your finances? Are you developing yourself intellectually? Are you giving back to the society?

If you answer YES to all these questions, then you can confidently say that you are prospering and therefore successful.
Now tell me, IS MONEY EVERYTHING? I rest my case.

ACHIEVE MORE WITH LESS THROUGH PROPER PLANNING

One question a lot of people ask me recently is: “how do I manage my own personal time and get so much done in the same 24 hours everyone else have? They wonder how I have time for my family, being a Motivational Speaker, Business/Life Coach, Writer, Publisher, and Toastmaster.”

One day, I was in the gym with my very good friend, Joe De Souza, a highly skilled Speaker who has impacted me immensely, when he asked me the same question. He certainly got me thinking that I thought and deemed it appropriate to write about my personal time management.

According to time evangelists, time lost can never be regained. When it comes to time management, I believe in the 80/20 Rule which states that ‘20% of what we do leads to 80% of the result’. Therefore, most of my time is spent on high value activities; things that advance my overall purpose in life, things I have always wanted to do, things I am most passionate about and things that will yield positive and maximum result.

My time is built around my goals, values and purpose, which I established many years ago when I went on pilgrimage to Jerusalem to celebrate my 35th birthday. My goals are eight folds: Spiritual & Values; Career & Business; Relationship with my family and friends; Financial & Wealth; Health & Fitness; Personal Needs; Intellectual & Self-development; and Community & Social goals.My purpose in life is to inspire people to achieve greatness, make the world a better place by improving the standards of living for all, and providing better and high quality goods and services. Knowing my purpose in lifehelps me prioritise my time.

The desire to excel and reach my full potential propels me.Having decided on my goals, I then deal with the other tasks ahead of me in order of priority. The priority I place on any task is determined by how it measures up with my goals. The more a task helps in achieving my goals, the more important it is to me.I go to bed at midnight and wake up at about 7.00am. The first thing I do when I wake up is to use the first hour (which I call the ‘golden hour’) to prepare myself for the day. I prepare myself spiritually by praying; physically by exercising, and mentally by reading something that will stimulate me; thereafter I leave for the office.I speak professionally twice a week, train four times a week, and write at least two articles a week. The rest of my time is dedicated to my family and attending meetings.Every Saturday morning I walk about five miles in two hours; thereafter I return home to spend time with my family (provided I don’t have a speaking engagement).

The latter part of my Saturday evening is dedicated to researching on my speeches and articles.After church on Sunday, I watch Nigerian movies (which I called Naijawood) with my wife and children and later in the evening I plan for the week ahead.Prioritisation is critical to how I spend my personal time. I do the first thing first. I do not watch television except news and I am one of the rare birds who are not addicted to sports. Although I am an Arsenal fan, I have never sat down to watch them play for 90 minutes. I spend a great deal of time reading books (I read at least two books a month), magazines, articles, periodicals and trade journals that are of interest to me and from which I collect the information for my research files.

Whenever I am out, I ensure I take reading materials with me to fill my time during any waiting period. When I am travelling I spend flying times and airport waiting times revising and updating written materials on my pocket PC.The passion I have for what I do invariably determines how much work I accomplish. My speeches are based on topics requested or those suggested for specific purposes. Knowing the objective of the speech helps in researching the subject; thus I am able to combine new information with old ones to deliver the most suitable speech.

I make every attempt to respond to my correspondences within days of their arrival; however, it sometimes takes a little longer, especially when I am working on a project that needs my undivided attention. Whenever I have a board meeting I create time to prepare for it especially if I have a presentation to do. I attend at least one board meeting every week.

Before I retire to bed I reflect on the day and then carefully plan for the following day.It has been said that Proper Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance; therefore it is crucial to plan your activities thoroughly.

Remember, those who fail to plan, plan to fail.

IMPORTANCE OF BACKGROUND IN A RELATIONSHIP

Should coming from the same background be a major issue in a relationship? In the 90s, one of the major things we sometimes overlook in a relationship is our partner’s background. To us, ‘what’s love got to do with background’?

But the truth is that coming from the same background can enhance a relationship. Our background develops our values and ideas about love, life and relationship.A major conclusion reached is that having similar backgrounds in a relationship makes communication easier. Seeing things from the same perspective makes it easier to communicate and reason with your partner, without seeing that person as somebody from another planet.

And naturally you are likely to be compatible.Certain factors in your background help with compatibility. If you come from similar race, religion, social class, education and are around the same age, you are more likely to be compatible and enjoy a long-lasting relationship..What beliefs does this person hold dear? Relationships last longer when both partners share basic beliefs in such matters as sex, parenting, friends, religion, leisure time and division of household labour.

If love were real estate, we would all be speculators. Even attractive, peaceful parcels can hide fault lines and toxic waste. Still, there are ways to recognise a good deal when you see it and to make the most of your investment once you are committed. Most times when people go into a relationship where they see things from different angles as a result of background; they know deep inside that it just won’t work but they still put their hopes in the hands of destiny who is a cruel master.

By the time the ‘being in love’ feeling subsides and reality sets in, the relationship crashes sooner than expected.Imagine a thirty-year-old guy whose father is a rich businessman and mother a housewife. In his environment, his father is like a god. What he says is law. His wife dares not question his authority or else she may be beaten up, but he loves his wife. He drinks, he smokes and womanises.

No matter how much love the man has for any woman, he’ll probably take after his father. Have you ever seen a man whose behavioural pattern differs from his father’s or a woman who doesn’t have anything in common with her mother? It is like looking for a virgin in a maternity ward.Our attitude to love is most times formed by the way we see our parents talk and practise love.In matters of relationships, background is something that should not be overlooked, although it is not a 100% guarantee for a successful relationship.

An unhappy childhood for instance can make you have different expectations from a partner who had a happy experience, even if you appear to come from identical backgrounds.Background should be a major factor that should be thoroughly looked into, reconciled and balanced before making a lifetime commitment. It is very important that love is built on this sound footing or else instead of enjoying in love, you will either be struggling or suffering in love as many couples are currently doing.

If you’re already in a troubled relationship, take an objective look into your partner’s background and yours whether they tally.You will possibly find that the reasons for your troubled relationship may be linked to issues in your partner’s background. Remember nobody can change anybody from what he inherited unless he wants to change.

Can anybody change you except you wish to change? When you are faced with a situation you can’t change, you either change yourself, change the situation, stay in it, or break away from it.The values you brought from your childhood are the ones you pass on to your children and they in turn will pass them to their children. How can you pass on good values to your kids in these difficult times?

Making the Impossible Possible

I learned I was not, as most Africans believed, the victim of my circumstances but the master of them."--Legson Kayira

One of the things my Christian faith has taught me is that with God nothing is impossible. I live by four Ps-Prayers, Planning, Perseverance and Persistence. Hence one of the words that are not in my dictionary is "impossible". I seldom use it. Ditto words like providence, destiny and fate. Anything I want to do, I do it irrespective of all the obstacles by using the 4Ps.To me, nothing is impossible if you have a clear goal and vision.

According to the legendary boxer, Muhammad Ali, "Champions aren't made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision."Anytime I remember the story of the award-winning Malawian writer, Legson Kayira, I am inspired. The facts of Kayira's early life are legendary: a Tumbuka born and educated in Nyasaland (now Malawi), he walked 3,200 kilometres to North Africa seeking opportunities for further education.

Like Martin Luther King Jnr., Legson had a dream. He wanted to be like his hero, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th American president, who had risen from poverty to become president, then fought tirelessly to help end slavery. He wanted to be like Booker T. Washington, the foremost black educator of the late 19th and early 20th centuries, who cast off the shackles of slavery to become a great American reformer and educator, giving hope and dignity to himself and to his race.

Legson's dream spurred him on a journey fuelled by his determination to get an educationLike these great role models, he wanted to serve mankind, to make a difference in the world. To realise his goal, he needed a first-rate education. Legson knew the best place to get it was in America.When he was 17 years old, he sought his parents' blessing to go and study in America. His illiterate parents didn't know where America was but reluctantly gave their blessing.His possessions were meagre: five-day supply of food, a Bible and Pilgrim's Progress, small axe for protection, and a blanket. Legson eagerly set out on the journey of his life. He was going to walk from his tribal village in Nyasaland, north across the wilderness of East Africa to Cairo, where he would board a ship to America to get a college education.After five days of trekking across the rugged African terrain, Legson had covered only 25 miles. He was already out of food, his water was running out, and he had no money. To travel 2,975 more miles seemed impossible. Yet to turn back was to give up, to resign to a life of poverty and ignorance.

Legson turned to his two books, reading the familiar words that renewed his faith in himself and in his goal. He ploughed on.By January 1960, fifteen months after he began his perilous journey, he had travelled nearly a thousand miles to Kampala, the capital of Uganda. He was now growing stronger in body and wiser in the ways of survival. He remained in Kampala for six months, working at odd jobs and spending every spare moment in the library, reading voraciously.In the library at Kampala, he came across an illustrated directory of American colleges.

One illustration in particular caught his eye, the Skagit Valley College in Mount Vernon, Washington. He wrote immediately to the school's dean explaining his plight and asking for a scholarship. The dean at Skagit was so impressed with Legson's determination that he not only granted him admission but also offered him a scholarship and a job that would pay his room and board.Another piece of Legson's dream had fallen into place, yet more obstacles awaited him. Legson needed a passport and a visa, but to get a passport, he had to provide the government with a verified birth date. That's not all.

To get a visa he needed the round-trip fare to the United States. Again, he picked up pen and paper and wrote to the missionaries who had taught him since childhood. They helped to push the passport through government channels. However, Legson still lacked the airfare required for a visa.Undeterred, Legson continued his journey to Cairo believing he would somehow get the money he needed.

Fortune smiled on him when upon hearing his story, the students of Skagit Valley College, with the help of local citizens, sent $650 to cover Legson's fare to America.In December 1960, more than two years after his journey began, Legson Kayira arrived at Skagit Valley College. Carrying his two treasured books, he proudly passed through the towering entrance of the institution and began his studies.But Legson Kayira didn't stop once he graduated.

Continuing his academic journey, he became a professor of political science at Cambridge University in England and a widely respected author. His first book was the autobiographical I Will Try (1965), and he has written four novels: The Looming Shadow (1968), Jingala (1969), The Civil Servant (1971), and The Detainee (1974).

Like his heroes, Abraham Lincoln and Booker T. Washington, Legson Kayira rose above his humble beginnings and forged his own destiny. He made a difference in the world and became a magnificent beacon whose light remains as a guide for others to follow.Legson's story shows that with faith, determination, a dream and a vision, we can achieve anything in life and rise to the top.

(c) Dayo Olomu Novermber 2003